Sauron's revenge! (or not)
by Starbrat
Summary: Sauron: I told them I was taking over their world and they said: "Hey, as long as we can keep the internet, we'll drink to that." Sauron is mad about losing his ring, so he teams up with some morally challenged fanfic Authors to get revenge.
1. Hairspray and bad losers

Gah, I had too much time on my hands, and the idea was fermenting around in my brain - sue me. 

  
Disclaimer: Oh, C'mon! For f*ck's sake, do you really think I own it?  
  
The light flickered through a small window, revealing a messy room with far too many clothes strewn on the floor. In one corner stood a computer - or at least it looked like there _was_ a computer under all the papers and food wrappers that littered the desk. On the bed, surrounded by posters of LoTR, slept, (or rather, sprawled) a girl who looked like she was somewhere in her teens. She was your average rabid LoTR fanfic writer, with a crush on almost every male character in the movie and the author of many sappy romances: slash, Mary- Sues, and self-inserts – sometimes all in the same fic, or chapter even. Suddenly a large flaming eyeball appeared in the middle of her room, bellowing "BEHOLD THE EYE OF SAURON! TREMBLE IN FEAR, FOR THE DARK LORD SEES ALL!"  
  
The girl woke up with a yelp and dived in her bedside drawer for a can of hairspray, and then proceeded to dispense its contents in the giant eye's direction.  
  
"Cut that out you bloody little brat!" The eye roared "I have no patience for your insolence!"  
  
The author (whom we shall call Author from this time forward, because nobody seems to know [or admit to know] her name) pointed an accusing finger at the eye and gasped "Sweet Valar! You're... you're Sauron!"  
  
"No, really?" The eye sounded annoyed, if one can imagine a giant flaming eye sounding annoyed. "Of course I am Sauron, who else would I be, Mary Poppins? Now shut your mouth and listen: your work as a 'fanfiction' author has been brought to my attention as worthy, so you have been chosen to receive a special gift."  
  
Author interrupted, "Why would I work with you - you're evil."  
  
"Do not interrupt me!" Sauron was sounding angrier. "Did no one teach you manners? As I was saying, you will be gifted with special author powers that will allow you to affect the characters and realities of Middle Earth."  
  
Author gasped, this was every writer's dream! "So why are you being nice to me?" Author knew enough about her favorite story to know that flaming eyeball = person not to be trusted.  
  
Sauron sighed "You are a fan of every male character in the 'movie', you have written many stories that have the characters acting in ways that would make the real people cringe, and... your house was nearby."  
  
Author's eyes narrowed, "You mean that you're doing this because you're still holding a grudge against them for destroying your ring?"  
  
The Eyeball made an annoyed sound, and Author could have sworn that he was rolling his... well, eye. "So? I'm the dark Lord of evil, what did you expect, fair play and a good loser? Now get moving! You have 24 hours in which you have close to unlimited powers over the fellowship and some other major characters, if your work is satisfactory, perhaps I shall extend your abilities."  
  
Author looked slightly confused, "Meaning what exactly?"  
  
Sauron gritted his teeth - that is to say he would have gritted them if he had any, (being an eyeball has some definite drawbacks) "Go to your computer." He said, trying to speak slowly in a way that the sleepy adolescent would understand. "You can play with the LoTR boys."  
  
Author squealed in joy - this she understood. "Ooh, Legolas is so cute, I could [_Censored because the fic is not NC-17_]... and then I could [_Alright, what did we just say about this NOT being porn?_]... with Aragorn, and then all the hobbits and I could [_Dammit, try to work with us here_]... and then we could all [_Okay, now you're just freaking us out_] and maybe..."  
  
"Yes, yes, that's fine." Sauron interrupted. "No need to give details, just get on with it!"  
  
Sauron left, privately thinking that dealing with these writers was starting to wear him down. Oh well, it was worth the hassle to see those who had defied him in such discomfort. He had toyed with the idea of taking over this planet of 'Fanfic' writers before, but had discarded it when he realized that the general population wouldn't care as long as they could keep their internet access, T.V. shows and booze. There wasn't much point in taking over a world if the inhabitants merely shrugged and said "Um... that's cool. Hey, can we have a bong party in honor of your rule?"  
  
A/N: Yeah, well I suppose I will update soon - if you hate it you can flame - I have all the sensitivity of a very small flea and love to hear a good insult. Oh yeah, and please review - provided the large hungry demon-monster that you have attracted by clicking on to this story hasn't eaten you alive by now (What, I sold my soul - and yours for a snickers - hey, stop looking at me like that, I was damn hungry, sheesh some people just keep grudges over the silliest things.) 


	2. Santa and fangirls

A/N: Hey, somebody actually read it! Kewl! Alrighty, chapter 2. -but first:  
  
Roadkill writer - Yeah, that was how I came up with the idea; I was trying to think of a logical explanation for all these author fics. And no, I haven't seen 'The Faculty'.  
  
Sun Queen: Urm, I think I have half of the snickers left somewhere in the room - it wasn't that good, they wouldn't give me a nice one, stupid whiners kept complaining about all those little "amusements" that I have devaluing the merchandise - picky, picky.  
  
To all others: I LOVE YOU! I would mention you all individually, but I couldn't think up anything witty.  
  
Alrighty then, on with the fic - and I mean it this time.  


Author turned on her computer suspiciously, was this the result of those 40+ pixe stix, the lack of sleep, the alcohol, or the... oh well, the only way to find out was to try. Shrugging she logged in to her fanfiction.net account and let out a gasp. Her computer screen now showed a white box with the instructions: [please type in your command]. Author took a deep breath and typed: [The fellowship was transported to my room] but the computer only flashed [Error: characters may only be transported to The White Room and back to Middle Earth]. Author frowned, what was the big idea? And what the heck was 'The White Room'? Puzzled, she typed [the Fellowship was transported to the White Room] and pushed enter. Suddenly the words faded and an odd whirring was heard.  
  
The Members of the fellowship were minding their own business when they heard a familiar whirring sound. "Not again!" They groaned in unison.  
  
The picture on Author's screen cleared to show a large room with couches, a coffee table and a chair or two - all in white. Author put her brilliant deductive skills to work, decided that was why they called it the white room. But before she could gloat on her genius, there was a flash and the 9 members of the fellowship appeared in the room, their faces showing different versions of annoyance. Author gave a little squeal of delight followed by about 5 minutes of "Ohmygoditsreallythem, thisissocool, hothothot," etc.  
  
"Well, I see the rest of you are here - again." Gandalf said rather tiredly, "Perhaps this one will be reasonable in her..."  
  
"Don't count on in Wizard!" Author interrupted, and began to giggle hysterically. "Ooh, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, and HOBBITS! Yummy, yummy, yummy..."  
  
Boromir sighed, "One would think that being dead would offer some protection against this indignity." Legolas nodded grimly, "Perhaps it was tortures akin to these that created the first Orcs."  
  
Author stopped her rambling and looked at the fellowship curiously, "Uh guys, don't you want to know where you are?"  
  
"We know all too well where we are." Aragorn said sourly, "We are to sit here while some mad child such as yourself devises foul ways to amuse yourself. What is your torment this time? Shall we be shown indecent stories about ourselves that have been written by your comrades? Or forced to play some lewd game with no purpose save to make us unable to face our friends for shame?"  
  
Frodo shuddered in recollection of a particularly embarrassing dare he had been forced to do last time - he was still having serious trouble talking to Sam without having nasty flashbacks.  
  
Author grinned impishly, "Well, both actually, and more, but why the long faces? This should be fun."  
  
"FUN?!!" Roared Gimli, "How could any madman see this as fun?" The rest of the fellowship nodded in assent.  
  
"Aw, c'mon guys!" Author pleaded "Be good sports about this whole thing will ya?"  
  
"We most certainly will not be 'good sports' as you put it!" Snapped Legolas. "We know too well what your kind's definition of 'sport' is.  
  
"But... but you have fans to consider! Just look at this." A screen appeared in the White Room, showing a Shopping Mall with a large poster advertising for the 'Two Towers'. Surrounding it was a flock of girls, all drooling over their particular lust object/s. "You see?" Demanded Author, "Everyone loves you." The screen shifted to a bookstore with a large collection of books about the movie, posters and other LoTR paraphernalia. Staring at a poster of the fellowship was girl that looked about 13. "They're soooo dreamy!" The young girl sighed.  
  
"Yeah," Agreed a second girl, a blond in her late teens, "a shame they all die in the next movie."  
  
"Hey!" Author frowned, "That's not right."  
  
The younger girl looked worried. "They... die?"  
  
The older blond nodded. "Yeah, remember how 2 of the hobbits were captured by Orcs?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"And then the human, elf and dwarf set out to rescue them, right?"  
  
"Uh huh, it was sooo cool the way that Aragorn said 'Let's hunt some Orc'."  
  
"It really was, you know." Author added "You were so brave, and rugged and strong! But what's all this about dying?"  
  
Onscreen the older girl was continuing: "Anyway, they try to rescue them, but there are just too many Orcs and they all die - except Gimli."  
  
The preteen's eyes were wide with horror. "What?" She gasped.  
  
The blond looked surprised, "Yeah, sure. Why, didn't you read the books?"  
  
"Um, no." The younger girl stuttered. "They were long, and had big words."  
  
Author was confused. "That never happened, what's going on?"  
  
Oblivious to her audience, the blond went on: "The other 2 hobbits get the chop about halfway through. They make it to Mount Doom, but Frodo's been messed up by the ring so he won't throw it in. Sam tries to wrestle the ring away from his master to save him, but they both end up falling into the Volcano - along with the ring. The rest of the story is about mopping up the Orcs, and elves leaving Middle Earth etc."  
  
By this time the poor little girl was shaking violently. "That can't be true! I don't believe it! You're lying!"  
  
The other girl shook her head sadly. "Sweetie, it's the truth. If you don't believe me..." She looked around for a moment before approaching a young man who looked like he was in his early twenties. "Excuse me sir, but have you read the Lord of The Rings trilogy?"  
  
The young man looked rather puzzled. "Actually I have, why?"  
  
The blond smiled pleasantly "Do the Hobbits die in book 2?"  
  
He nodded sadly. "Yep, the cousins get killed by the Orcs, and the other two become charbroiled, extra crispy."  
  
"And the rest?"  
  
The boy looked thoughtful for a moment "Well, you know that Boromir died, Strider and Legolas die fighting Orcs in book two, but the rest of the fellowship survives - oh and Gandalf wasn't really dead."  
  
Upon hearing her fears confirmed, the girl's lip began to tremble and she ran out of the store, eyes brimming with tears.  
  
"We were not killed by Orcs!" Merry and Pippin sounded bewildered.  
  
"And I never tried to take the ring from Master Frodo!" Sam was outraged.  
  
Gandalf nodded "This is indeed strange."  
  
"Perhaps not." Mused Boromir "Look."  
  
On the screen the blond and the young man high-fived each other before dissolving into peals of laughter.  
  
"What!!" The author was livid "How dare they! Doing that to an innocent fan... hmm, maybe I should try it on some of my friends."  
  
Meanwhile the pair in the bookstore was attempting, rather unsuccessfully, to regain their breath. "I swear Nate, this is better than telling five-year-olds that there isn't a Santa!" The blond seemed very pleased with herself.  
  
"Hell yeah!" The guy that the observers took to be Nate agreed. "We can do this all year! Or at least until the next movie comes out. "  
  
"What do you mean there isn't a Santa?" Author demanded "Dammit, I was wondering why I didn't get you boys in my stockings last year! I figured Santa was just being a stickler about those naughty/nice rules because of that whole, ahem... incident with the..."  
  
"No need to explain!" Gandalf said rather hastily, as the rest of the Fellowship nodded vigorously. Experience had taught them that things left unsaid had less ability to keep them awake at night with unpleasant (or just plain freaky) mental pictures.  
  
Onscreen the blond dug in her purse and retrieved a small notebook. "Anyway, that latest twit just made the score 5-3 in my favor, which means lunch is on you boy."  
  
Nate grinned. "Savor victory while you can Mel, 'cause it's the last time you'll win."  
  
"Oh I don't think so." The blond - Mel, gave her companion a superior smile "I'm just more believable, it's a gender thing - guys bond over sports talk, girls bond over studs. Sharing a common interest in a cute male is enough to make any 2 girls hit it off and it generates trust... well, as long as it's an actor or character that there's no danger of either of them actually getting together with. Besides, who could imagine angelic little me deliberately deceiving anyone for the fun of it?" Mel's face showed mock innocence.  
  
"Let's see," Nate pretended to think for a moment "how about anyone who's known you over five minutes?"  
  
"Oh ouch Nate, I feel the pain." Mel drawled, "Now where's Tara?"  
  
Nate shrugged "Dunno, she's usually not late." Picking up one of the character guides to the Fellowship of the Ring, he leafed through it, seeming rather bored. "Do you think the actors resemble what Tolkein had in mind for his characters?"  
  
Mel shrugged "How should I know, I never read the books. Does it matter?"  
  
Nate frowned "Well Tolkein did say that Elves were the 'Fairest creatures of Middle Earth' right?"  
  
"I'll take your word for it, why?"  
  
Nate showed the page he was looking at to Mel "Take a look at who they chose for Celeborn."  
  
Mel snorted "Hell, if that's 'The Fairest' than Middle E. must be one butt-ugly planet!"  
  
"My thoughts exactly." Nate agreed, "What do you think they would have looked like?"  
  
Mel pondered for a moment; "I never really cared enough to wonder. Although... come to think of it, they'd probably look something like Anime characters."  
  
"Anime characters?" Nate raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Yeah" Mel nodded, "Tall, pretty, big eyes, long hair, all look the same, can't tell any difference between the genders unless they're not wearing shirts - you know, Anime."  
  
Gimli let out a rather rude laugh, while Legolas muttered under his breath.  
  
"Don't worry sweetie" Author cooed "I still think you're all masculine yummy-ness." This only caused Gimli to laugh harder, while the rest of the fellowship was trying hard not to smile.  
  
Nate was snickering "Do ya think they cross-dress as often as Anime characters do?"  
  
Mel grinned impishly "Well, eternity is a long time to live, I suppose they need _some_ hobbies."  
  
"Hey!" Author seemed upset "My Leggykins does not cross-dress! Although he might look cute in..."  
  
"Certainly not!" Legolas said, flushing.  
  
Mel and Nate were still laughing when a second girl approached them demanding "I just ran into a middle-school girl, the poor thing was crying and babbling some nonsense about constructing a funeral shrine for hobbits. What have you two been up to?"  
  
Mel's face was the epitome of hurt and indignation. "Why Tara, whatever makes you think we'd have anything to do with something like that?"  
  
"Because I know you two." Tara snapped "don't you have any conscience?"  
  
"Nope." Nate said cheerfully while Mel agreed, "Sold the damn things on E-bay, made a nice bundle too."  
  
Tara sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose, "You two are hopeless."  
  
"Oh c'mon, it's not like we told a group of Kindergartners that the Easter Bunny got run over by a car or something." Mel was still chuckling.  
  
"Actually Mel," Nate pointed out, "we did, remember? They didn't stop bawling for hours."  
  
"Yes, well..." Mel dismissed the incident with a wave "This is different. Anyone who takes a make-believe world that seriously at her age is just asking for it."  
  
"Yeah," Nate agreed, "by the way when do they come out?"  
  
Mel smirked "The movies or the rest of the cast?"  
  
"The movies, Mel." Nate rolled his eyes.  
  
Tara looked confused. "The movies come out at Christmas time, why?"  
  
"Well, we could all go together - whaddaya say?" Nate smiled, happy to have changed the subject.  
  
"Sounds great," Tara agreed "what about you Mel?"  
  
Mel shook her head "Nah, my family likes to do stuff together at Christmas, watching movies is one of the preferred options - we don't have to actually talk to each other that way. Anyway, we saw Lord of the rings last year, so seeing Two Towers is definitely on the list."  
  
Tara shrugged "So see it twice."  
  
"Are you kidding?" Mel laughed, "That thing is 3 hours long - twice is not an option! C'mon, I'm hungry and Nate's paying."  
  
Author sat, stunned "Twice... not... an... option? ONLY BECAUSE SIX IS THE FUCKING MINIMUM! You insolent scum! I hope you die by paper cuts! If I was over there right now I'd... hold up, I've got Author powers! Hehehe, none shall mock and remain safe." Author laughed maniacally, cueing the 'evil music' sound track. "Oh you will be sorry! Oh yes, so very, very sorry."  


Muahaha! What will Author think up for the insolent mockers? Will the Funeral website for Hobbits become reality? What is the answer to 5x^5 - 43x^-2 + 8y? Is there any answer to the math question, and if so why would anyone other than Satan care? All shall be answered in the next chapter except for the math - it's still a mystery and even if I knew I wouldn't tell you - it's more fun this way.  
  
Oh yeah, and review or I shall force you to figure out the math. 


	3. The punishment of unbelievers

Haha! I'm back! Thought you were rid of me did you?  
  
Disclaimer: IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! I'M RICH, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD AND... nope, still not mine - dammit!  


***

To say Author was angry would be a gross understatement - in reality she was somewhere between furious and nuclear meltdown. "Twice not an option my ass! I'll teach them to mock the greatest movies ever made! Let's see, hmmm..."  
  
Author punched [The three teenagers were devoured by rabid weasels] on to the keyboard, but the computer only flashed [Error: Author may not alter the reality of her own world.]  
  
"Dammit!" Screeched Author "How am I supposed to teach them a lesson if I can't have them _die_??!"  
  
Author began randomly kicking things in her room while the fellowship exchanged nervous glances. As much as they disliked Author, the idea of a homicidally angry Author with nowhere to vent her irritation was a lot worse. But Author soon cooled down and returned to the keyboard.  
  
"Sorry about that guys. Now where was I?"  
  
"You were about to send us home?" Sam asked hopefully.  
  
"Nice try, but no." Smiled Author "I think I'll start with... wait a minute, that computer said I couldn't alter this reality, it never said I couldn't... hehehe" Author pushed a few buttons and another flash was seen, followed by the three teens that they had been watching earlier.  
  
The fellowship took a step back. Other Authors had transported friends to the White Room before, and the results were... well, scary.  
  
The teens looked around, confused. "Okay, where are we and why are you guys dressed like Robin Hood?" One of the girls - Mel demanded.  
  
"You're in the presence of the Fellowship of the Ring - you heretic." Author was sounding awfully smug.  
  
"The Fellow-what?" Nate seemed confused. "Oh, you mean like Tolkien stuff!"  
  
Mel smiled "That's cool, I didn't know the Mall was hosting a convention. Nice outfits by the way - you guys really look authentic."  
  
"Au-what?" Asked Pippin, hoping this one wouldn't try to tackle him like the last girl that had been transported to the White Room.  
  
"Yeah she's right." Nate agreed, "Especially you hobbits, you really look like... well, hobbits."  
  
"You're not getting it." Author was becoming annoyed. "This is the real fellowship!"  
  
"Um," the quiet one - Tara, spoke up timidly, "they don't really look like the guys in the movies"  
  
"Of course they don't, stupid! These are the real things!" Author couldn't see how some people could be so dense.  
  
"Yeah, of course." Mel rolled her eyes "How silly of us to have missed it. Now... where is that voice coming from?"  
  
"I'm so glad you asked dearie." Author was enjoying this immensely. "I am..." she paused for a moment to give her words the proper effect, "...The Author."  
  
She pushed the button cueing the '_Ethereal Music_' effect. "I have observed your appalling behavior and decided that your lack of reverence for all things Tolkien and Peter Jackson must be due to ignorance, and most likely a traumatic childhood. Therefore I am willing to overlook your sacrileges and am here to restore your faith in dreams and..."  
  
"Oh God!" Mel interrupted "Is this going to be like those crappy movies on the Disney Channel where we all learn the true meaning of Christmas?"  
  
The '_Ethereal Music_' sound effects ground to a halt and Mel found herself suspended over a live snake pit. "Look," Author said, her voice fast losing its benevolent tone. "I'm being nice here so _shut the hell up and listen_!"  
  
"She's sorry - real sorry." Nate said hastily "Aren't you Mel?"  
  
Mel nodded, her eyes wide "Yes, very sorry, faith restored, love Tolkien - can I get down now?"  
  
"What about the Disney Channel?" Author demanded.  
  
Mel nodded enthusiastically. "Love them too, love all things Disney, I'll build a shrine to the damn mouse – just put me down! Please?"  
  
"Alright." The snake pit disappeared and Mel was back on the floor. "Just don't forget who's in charge here." Author began cackling happily "I'm in charge, ultimate power, I rule over all - and don't you forget it!"  
  
Mel nodded "I won't forget - at this point it would take years of serious therapy to even try." But the last part of that was muttered under her breath, and so Author ignored it.  
  
"Good! Well, I need to get myself some food, so everybody introduce yourselves and be nice - not too nice though." Author cued her '_Ominous Music_' theme. "All the guys are mine, so don't get any ideas."  
  
"Yeah right," Mel snorted. "I'm in a room full of unwashed males old enough to be my fathers, grandfathers, or in some cases bloody evolutionary ancestors! Oh, and short people. I'll try to contain myself."  
  
"Good." Snapped Author "Now everyone get to know each other and I'll be back soon - toodles."  
  
Nobody moved or spoke for a minute. "Uh," Nate sounded cautious, "is she gone?" The speaker was silent.  
  
Mel instantly began to swear, in about four different languages; commenting in lurid and extensive detail on Author's breeding, personal habits and improper relationships between various family members and animals.  
  
Tara blushed bright red and covered her ears, the members of the Fellowship were alternately amused or annoyed. Nate merely ignored Mel's entire outburst.  
  
"Hello, I'm Nate, that's Tara, and the one inventing new words in the corner is Mel. I could try to guess your names, but I'd probably get them wrong anyway, so..." Nate shrugged, seeming perfectly calm, considering he was in a room without a door - or a logical explanation for anything that had happened, for that matter.  
  
Mel paused in her rant for a moment and addressed Gimli. "Excuse me, but are there any Dwarvish words for bitch? I seem to have run out."  
  
Gimli seemed taken back, but answered doubtfully, "There are..." Before Gandalf cut him short.  
  
"There is no need for that! If we must endure your company, I would prefer it to be silent." Mel opened her mouth to tell Gandalf exactly what she thought of that, but shut it again at the sight of the wizard's rather intimidating glare and retreated."  
  
"That is much better." Gandalf smiled, and then proceeded to introduce himself and his companions. After that there was a long silence. The teenagers were, for lack of a better word, creeped out by the whole experience and those from Middle Earth were not eager to have anything to do with people from Author's world.  
  
Finally Nate tired of the quiet. "So, who is this Author chick, and what did you people (or us for that matter) do to piss her off?"  
  
Aragorn sighed, "This 'Author' was observing you three and took offense to the comments of your..." he nodded his head towards Mel, "free-spoken friend there, and brought you here determined to make you pay. As for my companions and I, we know not by what sorcery we are brought here, just that all too often we are spirited away without a moment's leave to face these..." Aragorn trailed off, unable or perhaps unwilling to properly describe fangirls.  
  
"Bummer." Said Nate sympathetically, while Tara and Mel inched to the farthest corner away from the others and busied themselves with some trivial matter, trying to ignore the Fellowship all together. The Fellowship, in return were watching the two girls with some apprehension.  
  
Nate looked at the Fellowship, puzzled "What's wrong?"  
  
Legolas nodded towards Tara and Mel. "Do your friends..." he stopped, uncertain of how to phrase his question.  
  
"We have met certain... fangirls in the past." Finished Frodo, looking scared.  
  
Nate chuckled, "Oh, that. Nah, don't worry, Tara's an awful prude. Not her fault really - her parents had a genetic stick up their butts and dedicated their lives to keeping their 'little angel' safe from all things worldly. As for Mel... well, she's wild but at the moment, I'd say she's far too annoyed and weirded out at this whole situation to think of flirting; besides, none of you are really her type."  
  
"Damn right." Mel agreed while Tara spluttered indignantly. "My parents are not..."  
  
"Yes they are, Tara." sighed Nate.  
  
Mel nodded. "They really are, you know. I've been trying to corrupt you for three months straight - practically working round the bloody clock too - incredibly frustrating." She shook her head sadly "Damn morality - bane of our country and oppressor of all good fun."  
  
Tara flushed, trying to cover her embarrassment, she busied herself with looking through a stack of papers that were on one of the many coffee tables. She frowned at something; looking confused and then leaned over towards her friend. "Mel, what does this mean?" She asked, showing her one of the papers she had been reading.  
  
Mel gave the paper a bored look - not really caring, but then again, what else was there to do? Upon reading the section that Tara had pointed out, Mel's eyes widened and she promptly swallowed her gum.  
  
"What the holy fuck!!?" Mel coughed before breaking into laughter. Still choking on the gum, she motioned for Nate to take a look at the paper Tara was holding.  
  
---- What evil will Author devise once she has regained her sugar-induced madness? What does Mel think is so funny and how much will it cost the others in psychiatric fees when they find out what it is? All will be answered in the next chapter... or they will not be answered - depending on the phases of the moon, the pollen count and whether or not the Powers That Be (Bored With Nothing Better To Do But Wreak Havoc on Life) feel happy.  
  
A/N: Yeah, it wasn't that good, but the next chapter will be better. 


	4. Why you shouldn't insult eyeballs

Hello again! Before we start I would like to say a little something to that Sandrock... person.  
  
Fred? FRED? HOW DARE YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM YOU EVIL DEMON KIDNAPPER? GIVE ME BACK MY DEMON-MONSTER! NOW! Please? *sniffs* I miss him, and he was supposed to eat my political science teacher. WAAAAH!! Another thing, stop calling him Fred; his name is Bunny! Really, giving a ferocious demon a pansy name like Fred - Demons have dignity you know.  


***

Alrighty, now where we left off, the evil yet seductively beautiful android sex-bots were about to unleash their most deadly attack ever! The dreaded G-string assault! Our heroes were... oops, sorry, wrong script. *blush* Now where did I put that... ah yes, here we go.

  
Nate walked over, curious as to what was making Mel laugh to the point of asphyxiation. Looking at the papers that Mel was holding he chuckled. "Ah, fanfics - graphic slash to be specific."  
  
Frodo winced. The last 'fanfic' he had read was an AU that involved him working as a stripper at the Prancing Pony in a very mangled love triangle (or hexagon, to be precise) between Sam, Aragorn, Faramir, Legolas, a random Orc and a "fiesty yet caring" beautiful hobbit lass/barmaid/warrior with a tragic past. Since then he had avoided so much as looking at anything written in the White Room, the mental images were often traumatizing.  
  
Tara was still puzzled by Mel's reaction, and so she turned to Nate. "What's so funny? I don't understand this whole paragraph." Handing the original paper to Nate she pointed to a certain line.  
  
Nate took a look and smiled slightly before handing the paper to Mel. "I believe it's your turn this time." He said.  
  
Mel had recovered her breath by now and shook her head. "No way, I explained 'Not Another Teen Movie' complete with definitions of rug-muncher and that whole pink vibrator scene."  
  
Nate sighed. "And I did the South Park movie. Stop trying to weasel out of it - it's your turn and you know it."  
  
Boromir raised a questioning eyebrow, and Nate explained: "Mel and I take turns explaining certain... things to Tara - her upbringing left her rather ignorant in a few areas."  
  
Frodo looked confused. "So what is a pink..." but he was interrupted by Nate "Trust me Frodo, you don't want to know." Frodo decided to take Nate's word for it.  
  
Meanwhile Mel had been whispering something to Tara, who was rapidly turning a bright shade of red. Mel giggled as Tara stared at the Fellowship, her eyes wide with horror before scooting to the farthest away from them as she could manage.  
  
Mel laughed outright. "Okay sweetie, I think that's enough slash lemon for you. That stuff will warp your mind faster than drano at your innocent mental state, and I'd rather not have that happen just yet - I was planning it for summer.  
  
Mel rummaged through the stack of papers. "Ah, here we go - a PG-13 romance. Most likely a Mary-Sue with no plot, but at least you won't have a heart attack halfway through - enjoy." She handed the folder to Tara who took it eagerly, glad to have something to get her mind off... that."  
  
Mel was looking at the fic responsible for Tara's near-breakdown and raised her eyebrows. "Most interesting." She smirked "I never realized hobbits were so... inventive." She continued to leaf through the stories "Let's see, smut, smut, smut, and ooh..." she grinned wickedly, "_seriously _hard-core smut!" She seemed to be enjoying her ability to embarrass the others far too much.  
  
"Legolas and Aragorn, the cousins doing... un-cousin-like things together, Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli and... multiple Orcs?" Curiously she opened that folder and gave the contents a look before shutting it quickly. "Bloody hell, that's just wrong! Impressive though," she gave Legolas a sly look. "That must really take some flexibility" the smirk widened. "Not to mention stamina."  
  
Nate rolled his eyes. "Oh, knock it off Mel!"  
  
"Indeed!" Added Legolas, his face now almost as red as Tara's was "Have you nothing better to do?"  
  
"Well," Mel's face showed mock thoughtfulness, "Let's see, stare at wall, stare at other wall, watch seasoned fighters blush like schoolgirls... nope, this is definitely the most amusing option. Ah, here are some nice ones: what do you know, Frodo and Legolas are actually girls, ooh here's another one about you, Blondie - however do you find the time? Elrond and..."  
  
Gandalf strode towards Mel until he was about three inches from her face. "If you do not stop this foolishness child, I will render you incapable of making a sound." Mel shut up rather quickly, "Yes Sir" she said, meekly, much to Nate's surprise - he hadn't thought it was possible for _anyone_ to make Mel behave – short of tranquilizers.  
  
The silence was at last broken by Tara - apparently she had finished the story she was reading and was now dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "That's so sweet!" She sniffed to a dumbfounded Legolas. "I'm so happy for you two!"  
  
Everyone was at a loss for words until Mel chuckled quietly. "Um, Tara, I don't think that really happened."  
  
Sam laughed. "Begging your pardon Miss, but if half the stories written had actually happened, Mister Frodo and Legolas would have harems larger than the Shire and Mirkwood put together."  
  
Nate grinned widely "Now there's a thought! A harem full of Mary-Sues." He sighed wistfully. "That would be nice."  
  
Mel smiled sweetly. "Why don't we ask your girlfriend about that one Nate? I'm sure we could manage to give you a lovely funeral."  
  
"Ha ha," Nate said dully. "You know..."  
  
But he was cut short by a painfully chirpy voice over the loudspeaker. "Hello, I'm back! Was everybody nice?" It was Author, fueled up on sugar with God-knows-what on her mind. (On second thought, I think we can all guess - but would rather not)  
  
Tara frowned "But if these stories didn't happen, why can this Author make things happen?"  
  
"Because I said so, that's why." A loud voice boomed through the air and the wannabe tyrant formerly known as Sauron, now known as that #%&@$^ appeared in the room with a burst of flame. "You fools thought you had beaten me, but now I have the ultimate revenge!"  
  
Tara spoke up timidly "You mean this is just payback?"  
  
"Of course it is 'just payback' you fool! Why do people assume that I will not seek revenge? It is in the stupid rhyme as plain as day - what is so hard to understand? Are the words 'Dark Lord' associated with forgiveness? You imbeciles spend millennia in mortal fear of me, and then all of a sudden it's 'See you later, no hard feelings'??!!!  
  
Mel nodded. "That must really suck. Now I do sympathize, but if the 'Dark Lord' will forgive my asking, why the fuck are _we_ here?"  
  
Sauron made a noncommittal sound and Tara thought that she saw him shrug. "You seem to be doing a good job of tormenting them. Not as good as some others have done, but it is enough. I have given this author the power, so if she wishes to keep you her, she may."  
  
"But... but that's not fair!" Mel pleaded, "We didn't do anything to piss you off!"  
  
"Fair?" Sauron roared "Tell me, do the words 'Dark Lord on his Dark Throne' sound like someone who cares about being 'fair'?"  
  
Nate spoke up hurriedly, "What she means is that she would love to stay, but we feel that we are unable to best serve your evilness in this way. We therefore humbly request leave to be released so that we may, uh..."  
  
"Convert the masses to your dark side!" Mel finished eagerly. "So can we please go?"  
  
"Request denied!" Sauron bellowed. "Though I must say, it felt good to be groveled before once again, ah the sweet memories of pleading victims in days long past."  
  
The eye grew misty, unfortunately, as it was also flaming, the room quickly filled with steam.  
  
Mel was pissed - she had tried to be nice, and he says 'No, but it was fun watching you beg'? Nobody did that and got away with it!  
  
"Oh go bugger an Orc you one-eyed freak! Or does that bring back fond memories as well? No wonder you lost the war, were you too busy with your little Orc-bitches to realize that the midget over there was frolicking around with the ring right under your very nose? Dark Lord my ass - pervy Orc-fancier is more like it!"  
  
She would have continued but Nate had clamped a hand around her mouth and was desperately trying to wrestle her to the ground. Unfortunately for the teens - and fortunately for the fellowship who were eagerly looking forward to Mel's impending doom, (The fanfic jibes had struck a nerve) Mel was not only quite strong for her size, but awfully good at wrestling.  
  
"You insolent worm!" Sauron sounded really upset now. "I will make you rue the day you were born!"  
  
Mel broke free of Nate. "Blow me!" She snapped. "Wait a minute, you can't even do _that_ now, can you? Tell me, just what _were_ you planning on doing - you can't even blink, you pathetic excuse for an eye drop commercial!"  
  
Sauron paused, rather at a loss.  
  
"Don't worry Your Evilness" Author said, "I'll take care of her. She is to be re-educated. It's not her fault really - I think she had a rough childhood."  
  
"Good." Sauron agreed pettishly "Do something painful." The eyeball vanished. Much to the relief of Tara and Nate but much to the disappointment of certain others who were hoping for a certain girl to be fried to a very certain crisp.

Frodo was staring in disbelief. The Sauron whose disposition he had had the severe displeasure of knowing to some degree would have taken a special delight in making anyone foolish enough to utter a tenth of what that Mel had just said writhe in unbearable agony for the rest of existance. Apparently, the prolongued exposure to authors had changed him, but the clincher was that Frodo couldn't tell if he was pleased or sad at this strange change.  
  
Mel was still angry. "My childhood was just fine! I do not need to be re-educated, I need to go home before I stick my boot up your..." Nate leapt forwards just in time to stop that last comment.  
  
"Jesus Christ Mel! Shut the hell up before you really piss her off." Mel sat down on one of the sofas grumbling and muttering something under her breath.  
  
"Now, now!" Author said in an unbearably condescending tone. "That's better. You know, you remind me of one of the other characters. He was also mean, but I think he had a good side buried in him somewhere; all he needed was someone to understand him. I think you two would get along splendidly."  
  
There was another flash followed by a small, froglike creature. Frodo and Sam groaned. "Not him!"  
  
"Yes!" Author chirped. "I always thought that poor Gollum was misunderstood - oh stop that everyone! He really isn't that bad."  
  
Everyone in the room was franticly building a barricade with the sofas in the corner opposite to Gollum.  
  
"C'mon, knock it off!" Author pleaded. "You'll hurt his feelings."  
  
Nate paused for a moment; he seemed to be thinking hard. Then he spoke up.  
  
"You know Mel, when you think about it, Gollum is indirectly responsible for us being here."  
  
Mel looked up from the couch that she and Gimli were carrying to make the 3rd wall. "How do you figure that?"  
  
Nate smiled. "Well, if Frog-boy over there never bit the ring off of Frodo's finger, then Frodo wouldn't have thrown it in, which means Sauron would have recaptured it eventually, which means he would be too happy enslaving Middle Earth to do things like give Author-powers to crazy fangirls."  
  
Mel abruptly dropped the couch that she had been carrying - right on to Gimli's toe. "That's right!" She hissed, looking at the confused little former-hobbit venomously. "This is all his fault! _Die bitch_!"  
  
Mel leaped over the sofas and charged at Smeagol- who still didn't get what was going on.  
  
"Precious?" Gollum hissed wonderingly before receiving a kick that sent him flying across the room.  
  
"Not precious, you little shit - pain!" Mel continued to attack while Nate shouted from behind the makeshift fort "She has the ring! Get her!"  
  
Gollum leapt at Mel's throat, only to get a painful kick to the head. All in all it was a fairly even match - Gollum was faster and had sharp teeth, but Mel was taller and had fought with her brothers all through childhood. Plus, her jeans and leather jacket were protecting her from most of Gollum's bites when he managed to slip past her guard.  
  
Nate sat down happily. "Right, well that takes care of that for the time being."  
  
Everyone else stared at Nate. Tara was frantic "We have to help her!"  
  
"Later." Nate shrugged. "Mel's in a pissy mood, and if she keeps on insulting the Author, we're never gonna get out of here; better to let her take it out on fish-breath over there, besides, this is fun." He eyed the fight critically "He really looks malnourished. Ten bucks say she decks him in 5 minutes."  
  
"I'll take your wager, boy." Gimli laughed, ignoring Gandalf's disapproving look.  
  
Apart from Tara, who hated violence because it was 'nasty, and people might get hurt', everyone was soon enjoying the fight, which now had a number of wagers laid on the outcome. Author had tried to get the Hobbits to bet a strip show, but Nate pointed out that being the author, it would be unethical for her to participate in the betting.  
  
"Eh, do you think we should break them up?" Pippin asked, "They're starting to get serious."  
  
Gollum had gotten a tight grip around Mel's neck, and was starting to squeeze so Mel kicked Gollum in the *ahem* lower regions and got a good elbow hit in.  
  
"Alright, that's enough." Author pushed a few buttons and separated the two brawlers, much to the protests of Nate and Gimli, who had yet to resolve their bet.  
  
"Hey!" Nate protested "How are we supposed to settle the bets now?"  
  
"You'll just have to cancel I guess." Author said spitefully "Serve you right for not letting me in on the pool!"  
  
"Spoilsport!" Nate grumbled, but didn't look too put out, Gollum was surprisingly resilient and Nate had begun to suspect that it would take Mel over the 5 minutes that he had bet to end it.  
  
"Yeah well, there's nothing you can do about it, so put the couches back, and everyone get into a circle." Author retorted. "We're going to have a little group therapy talk - namely some anger management."  
  
"Do we have to?" Merry had thought that the fort was rather nice and did not want to sit next to Gollum - fish smell.  
  
"Yes you do. Now let's see..." Author pushed a few buttons and the various injuries that Gollum and Mel had acquired disappeared.  
  
"Wow, neat!" Mel was impressed "You're actually pretty cool, Author - wait a minute, does this mean all of _his_ injuries are gone too?" She glared at Gollum "Now I'll have to do it all over again."  
  
"Oh no you won't!" Author warned, "Now sit!"  


A/N: Well, as you can guess, there will be another chapter, so come back next time. See ya! 


	5. Gollum's romance

Hello all! Cheer with joy, for I am back! 

*crickets* I said _cheer_ dammit! 

*one small half hearted "yay"*

*Pulls out Bunny, the demon-monster* Alrighty, lets try this again shall we?. 

*frightened screams and general pandemonium* 

Ahh, much better.  
  
Disclaimer: This is the disclaimer that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, one Author started typing it, not knowing what it waaaaas, and she'll continue typing it forever just becaaaaause... do we really have to go through this again?  
  
Now the few words: Ninja Soda and Ninja Slush - Yippee! I'm loved! I get to kill Mary Sues!  
  
A/N: The aforementioned are gonna put me in their Fic, So read it! They're funny.  
  
Honesty: I'm worshiped? MUAHAHA! I shall start my own cult and rule the world!  
  
Slush Puppy: My deepest condolences, glad I could cheer you up - The world always needs more perversion.  
  
Fairy glitter: Well, if you see Sandrock, tell him that I'm still gonna get him for what he did to Bunny! *mutters to self* Fred - Bah!  
  
Madam Blueberry: Thank yew, thank yew!  
  
To all the rest: I LOVE YOU!  
  
Now where were we? Ah yes:  
  
Group therapy was not going well. Author was beginning to suspect that her 'patients' were only agreeing with her so they could leave as soon as possible and some of her 'patients' seemed to be downright hostile to each other.  
  
Mel had apologized to Gollum, and they seemed to be on semi-decent terms, but then again, Author could have sworn that she caught a sarcastic note in Mel's voice when she apologized for 'stomping hell on your puny ass'. Gollum wasn't too angry with Mel, but he had not forgiven Nate for 'lying' about the Precious' and he seemed to have former grudges against most of the Middle Earth characters in the room. Besides, he still seemed to be confused about how he got to the white room - the resurrection from the Volcano seemed to be messing with his already mangled brain.  
  
They had discussed most of the 'misconceptions' that Author had noticed the 3 teens talking about before in the Mall, and were now on the subject of Elves - mainly how they did _not_ cross-dress.  
  
"Alright, alright, we all get it!" Mel rolled her eyes. "Elves do not cross-dress, nor do they pass millennia by thinking up naughty positions, they are innocent little dears who spend eternity playing music and hugging trees! Lesson learned! Could we please change the subject? I'm getting creeped out."  
  
Gollum nodded "Smeagol doess not care what nasssty Elvessss do in their free time. We wantsss to go!"  
  
Mel leaned over and whispered something to Gollum, who shook his head and addressed Legolas. "Smeagol not interested in going out with Elvessss but say thankssss for asking usss."  
  
Legolas made an indignant choking sound while Mel burst out laughing at the sight of his face, clutching her sides for air. Nate, Gimli, and the cousins were also howling with laughter while Tara giggled nervously. Aragorn and Boromir smiled tolerantly - at least she wasn't assulting or openly leering at anybody. The two older hobbits looked rather scandalized. Gandalf just looked mildly irritated.  
  
"That was not amusing!" Legolas protested.  
  
Mel was gasping for air, but managed to retort, "I'm sorry, it just struck me that you two would get along well. You know, you both have great night vision, I'm thinking maybe a little romantic stargazing."  
  
Nate shuddered "Stop please! I'm getting some really bad mental images here."  
  
"Why Nathan!" Mel admonished, "You really should be more tolerant of these things; all that matters is that they're happy."  
  
Legolas grimaced. "I would be _happy_ if you would stop your foul jokes."  
  
Mel shrugged. "They pass the time."  
  
"Alright, that's enough!" Author interrupted, "In case you have forgotten, it is _my_ job to torture and make the witty comments, it is _your_ job to shut up already and start learning about Middle Earth!"  
  
"Um, yeah, I'm sorry about that." Mel said, but her tone implied otherwise.  
  
Author narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "No you're not."  
  
"Well," Mel amended, "I feel a little sorry."  
  
"No you don't!" Author snapped  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
[This continued for quite some time, so we shall skip the finer points of the debate]  
  
****** 

Later, the argument was still going.  
  
"You most certainly do not!" Author stated with finality.  
  
"Hey, I'm a conscientious person, I can definitely feel guilt over making somebody feel bad and... hold on, that's not right, wait a minute." Mel paused, "No, you were right, I don't."  
  
Nate rolled his eyes. "I really hate both of you."  
  
"Shyaddup!" Author said absently, "Okay, next subject: Geography - you know, where stuff is."  
  
This was greeted by loud protests. "Oh stop that." Author snapped, "Geography is a very important part of Middle Earth history."  
  
Nate grimaced, "And an even more important part of torture!"  
  
"Precisely!" Author grinned, "You forget I'm still demented and evil!"  
  
"No," Boromir sighed, "I can assure you we have not forgotten."  
  
"Aw, thanks!" Author sounded genuinely touched. "But you're still not getting out of it. Let's see... Legolas lives in Mirkwood, and um... Aragorn, you've traveled everywhere, why don't you take this one?" Author wasn't exactly a ruling authority on this subject.  
  
Aragorn sighed and began to speak in a dull monotone about some distant place. Author's eyes glazed over - she thought the guys were cute, but didn't care too much about where they were (as long as they were shirtless). She was on the verge of nodding off when she realized that her "students" weren't paying attention either!  
  
Tara had fallen asleep on Mel's shoulder, Mel was thoroughly absorbed in a thumb-war game against Merry, and Nate was playing some kind of card game with Gimli and the other hobbits. The only people listening to Strider were Legolas, Gandalf and Boromir and... wait a second! They weren't even speaking a language she understood! Quickly Author typed in a translation order to the computer and realized they were discussing ways to get out!  
  
"Why you little..." Author stopped and tried to control her anger. "Breathe in, breathe out. I am a benevolent, kind, nice author who is trying to rehabilitate disadvantaged teens. -and get Legolas and Frodo naked, maybe I could tie them up and... later. Kind, benevolent, nice person! Kind, benevolent... that's it!"  
  
Author smiled, she knew how to make the lesson more interesting! "Alrighty everyone, listen up!"  
  
Nobody looked up, "Hey!" Author said, a little more loudly.  
  
Tara woke up with a start. "Huh?"  
  
"How nice of you to join us." Author said sarcastically. "You don't seem to be enjoying your Geography class, so I'm gonna make things funner."  
  
"Uh," Nate spoke up, "you do know that 'funner' isn't a real word right?"  
  
"Nobody asked you, smartass!" Author snorted "Now shut up! I've decided that this whole thing isn't working."  
  
"Does that mean we can go?" Mel asked eagerly - making jokes at the Fellowship's expense was fun, but she still had other things that needed doing back home."  
  
"Oh yes, you all are definitely going." Author said in her best reassuring tone - which had all the reassurance of a demented clown with a chainsaw.  
  
"Um... great!" Tara smiled, "Well guys, see you later, it was nice meeting you..." But she was cut short by an odd whirring sound and a feeling similar to being sucked down a vacuum cleaner.  
  
**********************************  
  
Aragorn winced as he fell on to the forest floor and let out an explosive breath as someone - a hobbit by the size - landed on his back. He looked around and sighed, he was back in Middle-Earth. His relief soon gave way to annoyance; he was in the woods! Couldn't these silly Authors remember that he _did_ have a kingdom to run? Getting back would prove to be a tiresome job - Oh well, as long as it was over. His thoughts were interrupted by a stream of profanities that didn't sound like they came from any of his friends. Almost fearing to look, he turned his head slightly to see the 3 teens in the large pile that they all seemed to have landed in.  
  
"Bloody fucking hell on a plate!" Mel groaned "You morons just _couldn't_ have given Sauron the stupid ring could you?"  
  
Frodo sighed - and then grimaced as he received a knee to the stomach in the attempt for everyone to disentangle themselves. "I seem to be asking myself that question more and more every day Miss."  
  
"Smeagol wantsss nasssty girl to get off! Nassty girl iss heavy!"  
  
"Bite me, green boy!"  
  
*CHOMP*  
  
"Ow! That fucking hurt you little..." The rest was muffled by a loud series of shouts as Mel tried to hit Gollum but as she was still entangled with the rest of the group, this resulted in general confusion and injuries.  
  
Frodo managed to drag himself free of the struggling mass and gazed sadly at Sam and that boy... Nate, yes that was his name - who had somehow also dragged themselves free. "We went all the way to Mount Doom for this? Perhaps we _should_ have just given it to Gollum."  
  
Sam gasped, "Don't say such things Mister Frodo! Although..." Sam looked at the melee and sighed. "When we were at Aragorn's coronation, I never would have thought it would all turn out like this."  
  
"Yeah," Nate nodded, "You guys went all the way to Mordor and didn't even get a lousy T-shirt. What a gyp!"

  
A/N: Alrighty, Next: Geography field trip! Ideas are welcome, as I'm sorta in a writer's block area. They can range from group orgies to prayer sessions and joining nunneries/monasteries - all will be considered.  
  
P.S. Be forewarned: There will be NO romance! All those wanting love and sap will be used as examples for my paper supporting euthanasia of the terminally ill. Alright, maybe a bit of smut if the mood strikes me, (highly unlikely, but possible if people say they want it) just NO fluff! *shudders* Bleagh!  



	6. The new quest.

HELLO! It's me; I'm back, let's get on with this.  
  
Disclaimer: I know, I know, it's not mine - must you remind me?  
  
Pheonixgirl: Wha... how... are you Satan?  
  
Reviewer: Meh, fair enough, it's a free country.  
  
Elfwarriorgirl: I shall inform Mel that she has yet another enraged, fork- wielding person on her tail. (She seems to be collecting a lot of them as of late.)  
  
Virvatuli: My Hero! *Bows* thank you, I'm rather fond of Mel myself - she's such a nasty little bitch isn't she? *Wipes away proud tear* they grow up so fast! Now if only she could learn to stop getting on everyone's hit list, she might live through the summer.  
  
Canihavea-soda: Lambchops Song forever!  
  
Tilly-willy: How can I stand to type such words? Well, *evil grin* actually I find it rather enjoyable... therapeutic you might say. Anyways, you'll be happy to know that Tara has a very important role in the next chapters.  
  
GreyLadyBast: Power to the Mockers! As for the morality motto, take it, and spread the word!  
  
Serendu: Aw, thanks.  
  
Gawd, that was a lot of writing, and I haven't even started with the story yet! Oh well, on with the show!  
  
Eventually everyone managed to untangle themselves from the pile, and things were relatively quiet. Gollum and Mel were both sporting large bumps on their heads from when Gandalf had 'advised' them to stop their battle. "Stupid Wizard!" Mel grumbled "It's not like I _meant_ to elbow him there, he was just in the way!"  
  
"Hello everyone! Did we have a nice trip?" Author's cheerful voice grated on everyone's nerves; did she have to be so damn chirpy all the time?  
  
"You know, I really didn't think I would be able to transport all of you over here - hang on a minute, the computer's beeping something about illegal transportation messing with the dimensions - shut up, you piece of junk!" Author began to swear and bang randomly on her keyboard, resulting in a hail of weird noises and pink bunnies. Tara squeaked and dove under a bush for cover babbling something about crazy authors possessed by Satan.  
  
The fellowship edged closer together. Mel had forgotten her grudge against Gandalf and was now hiding behind him, holding tightly on his robe, eyes darting around at the pandemonium. "Oh boy, oh crap I'm gonna need so much therapy after this, it's not even gonna be funny." Mel whimpered.  
  
"Try weed." Nate smiled, watching miniature hippos float to the ground. "That way, you can pass the whole thing off as a messed up dream."  
  
"Somehow Nate, your suggestion is starting to make sense." Mel grinned wryly, as the rain of biologically incorrect creatures wound to a stop.  
  
"Sorry about that guys." Author said, "Now let's get on with our field trip, shall we?"  
  
"This is unfair!" Tara protested. "What's more, it's probably illegal as well - or at least it would be if the government knew about it!"  
  
"Tough luck sweetie!" Author cackled maliciously, "You don't really have a choice in the matter! I am the ruler - no wait... the_ Goddess _of your puny fate! I am all powerful!"  
  
"Actually," Mel pointed out, "you're more like a temp."  
  
"Shut up!" Author snarled, cueing the 'spookily powerful voice' button. "I'm the Author, I can defeat Sauron!"  
  
"I believe you can." Sam smiled encouragingly, "Perhaps you should go do that?" The rest of the group was smirking nastily and nodding.  
  
"I think I will." Author was way to far gone on her ego trip to bother with pesky little things like common sense - not that she had too much to begin with. "Sauron isn't _that_ powerful now that he's lost his ring and... Hold up! Oh yes, I know what I'll do! With the ring I could have boy-toys all the time!"  
  
"Urm, hate to ruin the ending for you, but the ring was destroyed." Nate said.  
  
"Says you!" Author crowed, "I'm the Author and I say..." The rest was drowned out by the sound of typing and Author's very creepy laugh. (The 'spookily powerful voice' effect was still on) All of a sudden Author's computer began beeping wildly and flashing a sign that said [ERROR! ERROR! SERIOUS BREACH OF REALITY!] "Oh shut up you stupid computer!" Author yelled and hit the 'enter' button repeatedly. The computer shook and sent out a shower of sparks. Back on Middle-Earth, the ground trembled and lighting flashed. Then, all was quiet.  
  
Gimli was the first to pick himself up from the ground. "That fool of an Author will get us all killed!" He growled.  
  
"Not if I get to her first." Mel winced as she rubbed the back of her neck. "What's the big idea?" There was no reply. "Hello?" Mel called out, annoyed.  
  
"BUNNIES!" The sound echoed through the woods. "HAPPY WATERMELLONS LIKE CAKE!"  
  
Boromir frowned, "What has come over her now?" Aragorn shrugged, mystified.  
  
"PINK CLOUDS AND PURPLE SHEEP ARE NICE!"  
  
Everyone looked at Gandalf questioningly; he seemed to be deep in thought. At length he spoke. "The Author must have overstepped her bounds by attempting to recreate the ring of power - it would seem to have had a disturbing effect on her mind."  
  
"That is indeed unfortunate for her." Legolas said solemnly, but his eyes were glinting with amusement.  
  
"What a shame!" Pippin grinned widely.  
  
"Are you all nuts?!!" Tara shrieked. "We're stuck in the middle of a forest, and she still has her powers only now she's clinically insane! How does 'What a shame' describe it?!!" She began to hyperventilate, "Lost... big forest... no food... no plumbing... the author's lost her marbles... we're all going to die out here and they'll never even find the bodies!"  
  
"Now, now, take it easy Miss!" Sam patted her shoulder reassuringly. "We'll find a way to send you home."  
  
"Yeah, maybe everything will go back to normal when her time runs out." Nate seemed to be trying to convince himself more than anyone else. "I remember something about a time limit."  
  
"Perhaps," Gandalf frowned, "but we would be wise to consider all options, we do not know the full extent of..."  
  
"Hey guys!" Mel interrupted Gandalf's musings. He glared at her. "Be silent child, this is a serious matter."  
  
"Yeah, well it just got a lot more serious."  
  
Aragorn frowned, "What do you mean?"  
  
Mel smiled grimly, "This." She held out a small gold ring, and then put it on her finger. She vanished, only to reappear a few seconds later.  
  
"The One Ring!" Frodo gasped, a haunted look in his eyes.  
  
"But... how can this be?" Boromir stood stunned.  
  
"PRECIOUS!" Gollum leaped for the ring only to be unceremoniously grabbed and thrown into some nearby bushes by Gimli.  
  
"Well, it's gold, made me disappear, and has weird writing on it, what do you think?" Mel tossed the ring to Gandalf who studied it intently. He stared at it for a minute, then chuckled.  
  
"This may be a clever imitation, but it is not the true ring - it was beyond a doubt created by the Author" he sounded relieved.  
  
"How can you tell?" Tara asked.  
  
Gandalf smiled, "There are errors in the spelling."  
  
"Ah." Everyone sighed.  
  
"But it must have some power, the question is, how much?" Gandalf was solemn. There had seemed to be very few limits to what these 'authors' could do - just how much power _could_ Author put into a ring?  
  
"What are we to do?" Sighed Aragorn wearily; the combined task of ruling a kingdom and dealing with fan fiction had given him many gray hairs.  
  
"What _can_ we do?" Frodo seemed to be having bad flashbacks, Sam was doing his best to be encouraging, but it was hard to see how this would have a good ending.  
  
"Methinks, the better question would be, what damage could Sauron do if he found this ring." Legolas frowned, fangirls were one thing - rings of power were something else.  
  
"That's it!" Mel exclaimed. "Legolas, you're a genius!"  
  
"I am?" Legolas was confused.  
  
"Think about it," Mel continued excitedly, "why is Sauron doing all of this?"  
  
"Um... bad sport?" Tara was wondering if her friend had finally snapped under the stress.  
  
"Exactly!" Mel beamed, "He's mad about losing the ring, so we give it back! He then would have no more reason to continue with the Authors. He's happy, we're happy, life is good again!"  
  
Boromir shot Mel an annoyed look. "Child, the reasoning behind your plan is both cowardly and foolish."  
  
"Coward shmoward!" Mel snapped "My plan is not foolish, and don't call me child! If we gave Sauron the ring back he would stop bringing authors over."  
  
"Perhaps he would, _child_," Boromir spoke patiently, as if talking to an infant. "But if Sauron does cease in his onslaught of 'authors' in favor of the ring, might not the reason be that he is using its powers to enslave Middle-Earth?"  
  
"This isn't the real ring!" Mel rolled her eyes. "This was made by a fangirl - chances are that she doesn't even know what it does, other than make people invisible. Its only real power is keeping Sauron happy so he stops pestering you guys and lets us go home. Besides, it's got fangirl germs on it! No telling what it could do to the person who kept it for too long."  
  
"You know, she's got a point." Nate spoke up. "Anyway, we really should decide what to do - we need a plan."  
  
"We must discuss this matter in private." Gandalf said. The three teens nodded and walked a little ways off, starting a card game while the fellowship debated in hushed voices. At last Gandalf raised his head and motioned the teens over.  
  
He cleared his throat, "It has been decided, the ring will be given to Sauron." He paused. "The only question that remains is who shall bear it."  
  
"Not I." Frodo shook his head. "I have borne one ring to the cracks of Mount Doom, I shall not bear another into the hand of Sauron."  
  
"Fair enough." Tara nodded.  
  
"Smeagol will take the ring!" Gollum leaped from the bushes only to be thrown back in by Gimli. The others ignored his outburst altogether.  
  
"Neither shall I." Said Boromir. The teens nodded - it figured.  
  
Gandalf spoke, "I already bear one ring, it is not for me to bear two."  
  
"I suppose." Nate shrugged.  
  
"Smeagol will help! Smeagol wantsss to help!" Boromir absently lifted Gollum by his collar and tossed him back to his original clump of bushes.  
  
"Right..." Mel looked annoyed. "So what's the bottom line?"  
  
"The ring was created by one of your world, therefore one of you must carry it." Gandalf sighed, as if he had just entrusted a crystal goblet to a toddler with a hammer.  
  
"Well, I guess that makes sense." Nate turned to his companions, "Rock paper scissors?"  
  
"Sounds good." Mel agreed.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Tara glowered. "This is an important decision, we need to consider it carefully, and make an informed choice."  
  
"Okay, okay!" Mel held up her hands in surrender. "Let's consider."  
  
"Well," Tara paused. "It was your idea to return the ring in the first place..." But Nate cut her off. "Do you really want to have an evil, power- crazed Mel on your hands? She's bad enough as is! No offense Mel."  
  
"None taken." Mel smiled. "I think the choice is fairly clear. I have a penchant for evil, and while I would have said that Nate can't get any worse, I'm not sure I want to test that theory."  
  
"Exactly." Nate agreed, "What we need is someone who is naturally good and incorruptible."  
  
"Oh no - no way!" Tara shook her head adamantly. "I know where this is headed, and the answer is no! I wasn't the one who insulted the movie and got us into this mess. You two caused this, you two fix it!"  
  
"C'mon Tara." Mel spoke in her most sensible tone. "You know Nate or I would try to take over the world in about **.**3 seconds. You're the only choice!"  
  
Tara clutched her head and groaned. "Why can't I just have normal friends? You know, the kind that don't attract trouble like black holes?"  
  
"Good, it's settled." Mel grinned. "Alrighty Gandalf, Tara's the new, official ring-person!"  
  
"Ring bearer." Gandalf absently corrected, handing Tara the ring.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Mel waved a dismissive hand. "Now all we need to do is figure out how to get to that Mount Doom-y place. Eh, does anybody know where we are?"  
  
"The southern edges of Mirkwood." Legolas nodded. "And we are traveling to Barad-dur, not 'That Mount Doomy Place'."  
  
"Why are we in Mirkwood?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Geography lesson, remember Pip? Seems like Author liked Legolas the most" Merry smiled, "Look, the Author gave us supplies! There's a pack for each of us - they even have writing on it!"  
  
The others hurried to look; Sam chuckled as he passed out the packs. "I assume the one with 'Insolent Girl With Rough Childhood' on it is for you Miss." He handed a pack to Mel, who grimaced and muttered some unpleasant things under her breath. Tara snickered.  
  
"Don't laugh too hard Tara." Mel smirked, and pulled out another backpack with 'Prudish Girl' emblazoned on it. Tara blushed and grabbed the bag.  
  
"Any packs with 'Incredibly Smart and Good Looking Boy' written on them?" Nate asked hopefully. Sam's only response was to hold up a backpack saying 'That Guy'. Nate winced. "She could have just learned our names."  
  
"Hey guys!" Mel laughed. "Take a guess at who _this _one goes to!" She held up a pack with 'Hottie With Pretty Hair and Incredibly Tight Butt' plastered on it, complete with little red hearts and lipstick.  
  
The Elf grabbed the pack angrily, trying to pull the sign off, but it wouldn't move.  
  
Frodo looked at the pile tiredly. "Dare I ask?" He was answered by a bag that read: 'Adorable Little Sweetie With Big Blue Eyes'. He sighed, "Well it could have been worse."  
  
After much laughing and unpleasant mutterings about the Author, Aragorn had looked through all the packs and found to his surprise that (apart from several love letters and a thong or two stowed in the packs of all the fellowship other than Gimli and Gandalf) they were actually well stocked. There were food, blankets, a few hunting knives and some items that he didn't recognize, but the teens said that they would explain about them. Also, the packs seemed to have no weight when carried.  
  
"Hey Author!" Mel yelled. "How about using your powers to make this journey shorter?"  
  
"SNOWDROPS AND RAINDROPS AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS!" Author sang out blithely. "DOORBELLS AND SLEIGHBELLS AND WARM WOOLEN MITTENS!"  
  
"That might not be the wisest approach." Gandalf reproved, but Mel just shot him a dull look.  
  
"This could take months!" She jerked her thumb towards herself and the other two teens. "Do you really want to be around us that long?"  
  
The rest of the fellowship vigorously shook their heads and looked at Gandalf pleadingly. He nodded and cleared his throat. "Author?" He called out loudly. "We wish for you to take us to the land of Mordor."  
  
"BRIGHT COLORED PACKAGES TIED UP WITH STRIIIIING! THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THIIIIINGS!" Gandalf tried once more "Take us to Mordor." He spoke louder this time.  
  
"WHEN THE DOG BITES! WHEN THE... Mordor?" Author sounded confused.  
  
"Yes, the land of Mordor! Can you take us there?" Gandalf asked hopefully.  
  
"You've got to say please with whipped cream and a cherry on top!" Author squealed in a very annoying singsong voice.  
  
"What?" Asked Gandalf, puzzled, but Mel quickly elbowed him.  
  
"Please with whipped cream and _two_ cherries on top." She shouted hurriedly.  
  
"Okay!" There was a funny whirring noise and everything went blurry. When the travelers opened their eyes, they were no longer in the forest.  
  
"Did we get there?" Tara was apprehensive.  
  
Gandalf looked around. "Yes child, we are but half a day's travel from Barad-dur."  
  
Everyone heaved a general sigh of relief. Half a day they could handle.  
  
"Well, the sooner we start, the sooner it ends." Mel sighed as she shifted her backpack, privately thanking every deity imaginable that she had decided to wear sneakers that day.  
  
"Indeed." Aragorn agreed, "This not a place to linger, but the sun is setting fast. We must make camp for tonight, we shall reach Barad-dur in the morning."  
  
"Nassty man iss right!" The fellowship whirled in surprise. Standing Behind them was Gollum.  
  
"Why are you here?" Gandalf demanded.  
  
"Smeagol iss part of the quessst too!" He turned proudly to show a backpack with 'Creepy Little Green Guy' written on it.  
  
"It cannot be helped." Aragorn sighed tiredly. "Let us make camp."  
  
And so the Fellowship plus some confused tagalongs and one 'creepy little green guy' set off on the second Quest: To return the ring to Sauron and save Middle-Earth from the Authors and Fangirls.

  
Whew! This thing has dragged on longer than I thought! Don't worry though; I think the next chapter will be the end. Until then, see ya! 


	7. Endings and tequila

First, the reviews.  
  
Fairyglitter: No problem, it would be my pleasure. Snaps fingers and Bunny the Demon-monster comes out dragging a large sack with someone wriggling inside it. Starbrat - Prepare the victim! Bunny dumps Tom out of sack onto large catapult Starbrat - Ready. Aim. FIRE! Bunny pushes the lever and Tom goes flying, and lands in the cage where Starbrat keeps her more dangerous pets. GRRRR, SNAP, CRUNCH GROWL  
  
Starbrat -Hey, chew with your mouths shut would you? And use a napkin you ill-mannered beasts!  
  
Ill Mannered Beasts - GRRRRRR (Translation: Shaddup and butt out Starbrat! Oh, and do you have any salt?)  
  
Starbrat - Ingrates! Hands over salt  
  
Ill Mannered Beasts - GRRR (Translation: And some parsley.)  
  
Starbrat - sighs and tosses them parsley Whatever happened to thank you?  
  
Ill Mannered Beasts: Snarl (translation: Sod off!)  
  
Starbrat - Fine, it's boiled zucchini for you guys tomorrow!  
  
Ill Mannered Beasts - Meep! (translation: Meep!)  
  
Starbrat - Nyahahaha!  
  
Virvatuli: Away with morality! Throw off its oppressive yoke and be free!  
  
Canihavea-soda: Ah yes, Mel. sings ala Cartman in South Park: The Movie On Mondays she's a bitch, on Tuesdays she's a bitch, on Wednesdays through Saturdays she's a bitch. Then on Sundays, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha biatch.  
  
Meliot Millstone: A nipple ring? snickers Now that's a good one.  
  
And now, recap, in form of Haiku:  
  
Author is insane, - Fellowship has been kidnapped, - give the damn ring back!  
  
Continuing with our story:  
  
Dawn broke with a surly demeanor, begrudging the light and warmth it brought. Or, for the not terminally poetic, it was a sucky morning. The teenagers were sore and tired from sleeping on the ground, and everyone was nervous about their plan - Sauron was still evil, and had shown himself to be fairly vindictive in the past.  
  
Breakfast was a silent affair, the stillness only broken when Mel kicked Gollum because "she felt like it and all the other guys were armed." At last they set off at a brisk pace for Barad-dur. Around noon they stopped for a quick lunch, and then resumed their journey.  
  
Frodo looked at Mel doubtfully; she was staring at Tara again. "Do you think the ring's affected her any yet?" She asked, almost eagerly. A thought came to his mind, improbable, but with Mel, the usual rules of probable/improbable behavior didn't always apply. He leaned over towards her, "Mel, I was wondering..." He paused, unsure of how to broach the subject properly. "What would _you_ do with the ring, if you had it?"  
  
Mel looked at Frodo oddly. "Give it to Sauron, isn't that what we decided?"  
  
Frodo shook his head. "I meant if you could keep it for yourself"  
  
Mel chuckled, "Dunno, I could get into over 21 nightclubs, but I just spent a shitload on a fake ID - it'd be a shame to waste it. Being a cat- burglar comes to mind, but with heat and motion sensors - nah, wouldn't work. Besides, I may not be a huge Tolkien fan, but I know enough to tell that having the ring means getting messed in the head. Better to leave it alone."  
  
Frodo nodded - suspicions confirmed. Not that he was too surprised; Mel hadn't shown herself to be of high moral character to begin with. "Look, we have reached the gates of Barad-dur."  
  
The group stopped, a collective shudder ran through all that had fought here previously. The gates were deserted, but they were a forbidding sight as they lay open - like waiting jaws.  
  
Nate took a deep breath, "Well, lets get this over with shall we?"  
  
Gollum whimpered and tried to slink away. "Oh no you don't!" Mel snarled as she grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him through the gates. "Alrighty green-boy, which way to the throne room?"  
  
"Don'tsss! Mustn'tsss!" Gollum twisted in Mel's grip "Leadsss to HIM! Isss bad!"  
  
"Not as bad as me if you don't take us there!" Mel growled, then softened her tone. "Relax Smeagol, he has no reason to hurt you this time - and I'll take care of you."  
  
"Promisesss?"  
  
"I promise." Mel smiled, patting Gollum's head. "Now move your shriveled ass before I kick it!"  
  
Gollum nodded "Thisss way." He led them through a door into a maze of hallways. Everyone paused to take in their surroundings. Tall vaulted ceilings and a very gothic feel, the whole place was constructed out of some unknown stone, rather like black marble, but shinier, with a blue tinge.  
  
Mel whistled, "The guy may be a jerk, but he can sure decorate!"  
  
"How can you say that?" Boromir eyed the walls nervously, hand on sword hilt. "This place reeks of foul magic!"  
  
"One of the reasons it's so cool." Mel grinned, enjoying the discomfort of the Canon characters immensely.  
  
"I agree." Nate smiled, "Definite evil lair coolness."  
  
"Here! Issss here!" Gollum pointed to an ornate door at the end of a long hall.  
  
Mel smiled at Tara. "Well girl, feel like bolting?"  
  
Tara's only reply was to square her shoulders and walk past Mel, a determined look on her face. Noting Mel's disappointment, Frodo laughed quietly - he had been right! "It takes more than a day for the ring to corrupt a person Mel," he admonished. "Especially if the person is..."  
  
"Alright, Alright! No need to rub it in." Mel glared. "It's not like I was hoping for a full conversion, but do you think it'll have worked enough for her to enjoy a few drinks? A large group of us are headed to Cancun for the summer, and we can't just ditch her, but if she keeps passing out those damn AA and abstinence pamphlets everywhere, she's gonna get us kicked out of all the bars!"  
  
"Hey guys, coming?" Tara called.  
  
The rest of the group ran to catch up. Tara looked at them curiously. "What kept you?"  
  
"Nothing." Mel said dejectedly, "Let's get on with this."  
  
Gandalf thought back on the history of the ring. There had been few instances that the ring had been willingly given from one person to another, but had the reason ever been the hope for a drinking buddy? These were strange times indeed. Shaking his head he pushed the door open.  
  
"Elbereth save us!" exclaimed Legolas.  
  
Inside, Sauron was sitting on his throne idly throwing peanut shells at half a dozen orcs in tutus and pink bows who seemed to be trying to perform scenes from Westside Story.  
  
"Oh God, I so did not want to see that." Mel shuddered.  
  
"Actually that one playing Maria isn't too bad." Tara mused, "Those are some hard notes to hit."  
  
"Shatter, you mean." Nate winced as 'Maria' shrilled out another line.  
  
"Oi Sauron! Call off the Spice Girls - we need to talk." Mel yelled over the music, privately hoping Sauron wasn't still mad over the whole orc- fancying accusation  
  
"What do you want?" bellowed Sauron irritably.  
  
"We have come to propose a truce." Aragorn choked out the words. To think that he was parlaying with this fiend that they had all fought so hard to defeat! The very notion brought bile to his throat.  
  
"I see you've eluded the Author" Sauron mocked, "Any of you kiss each other this time?"  
  
Noticing the hostility between the two sides, Mel decided she would have to take care of negotiations - these people had too many old feuds to talk things over sensibly. "Now let's keep this civil." She glanced at Boromir, he was staring hard at the orcs, and she could tell his sword hand was just itching - not that she really blamed him, considering his demise and all. "Sauron, would you mind if Boromir chopped up a few Orcs? He's sorta in a bad mood."  
  
"Not at all." Sauron agreed courteously. "Tell you what, I'll summon a few, and we can talk after he kills him."  
  
"Uh, Mr. Sauron?" Merry spoke up, "Would you tell me where the restroom is?"  
  
"What? Oh, down that hall, third door to the left."  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"No problem. Please sit everyone - Boro-whatever, would you please kill the one in the blue tiara - his singing really is awful."  
  
"We have come to resolve this matter as soon as possible." Gandalf said shortly. "We have not the time for idle talk or games."  
  
"Indeed." Nodded Boromir, but he did look rather disappointed.  
  
"Alrighty your evilness," said Mel in a businesslike tone, "we want you to stop messing with our worlds. That means no more psycho Authors kidnapping from either world."  
  
"And why would I do that?" Sauron's voice was a exquisite blend of amusement, scorn, and annoyance. "These Authors are my only entertainment - apart from the spectacularly horrible performances of the orcs."  
  
"Ring dong a dillo!" Sam jumped up as everyone looked around wildly. In a corner was none other than Tom Bombadil, in a cage suspended from a chain in the ceiling.  
  
"Oh, and him." Sauron waved a fiery appendage towards the cage negligently. "One of the Authors was kind enough to have him brought over here to amuse me - although he sings about as badly as the Orcs - are you sure you don't want to kill a few of them? I have plenty."  
  
Gimli shook his head. "Let us agree on the terms and be gone - we have no wish to be here any longer than necessary."  
  
Mel sighed - would it kill them to be polite? "What if we told you that the Author had recreated the ring - would you consider?"  
  
Sauron narrowed his eye. "Be specific."  
  
"No more giving power to Authors." Mel smiled nastily; "Although you can torture Mary-Sue authors all you want. You also have to transport us normal people back home, and we would like it if you would restore the Author's sanity. Not that you have to, but it would be nice - ooh, and I want a Morgul blade!"  
  
"You will not assemble any armies, nor will you attempt expand your borders." Gandalf said sternly. "If you violate the terms of this treaty we will see to it that YOU spend the next century or two at the mercy of fangirls and authors. Do we have an understanding?"  
  
"We do." Sauron said eagerly. "Now where is the ring?"  
  
Gandalf nodded at Tara, who pulled the ring out of her pocket and handed it to Sauron. The minute it touched him, the whole room filled with a thick black smoke,  
  
"Much better." A cultured voice said. "Being an eye can be so tiresome."  
  
The smoke cleared to reveal a dark-haired Maia. Apparently, the ring transformed him into the author's concept of what Sauron had looked like. He was dressed in black from head to toe, and even Tara had to admit that he was fairly cool, as far as evil super-villains went.  
  
"Damn!" Mel whistled, looking over Sauron's new form appreciatively.  
  
Sauron caught the look and smirked. "What, did you not know? Evil is always good looking."  
  
"I'll say!" Mel had a wicked gleam in her eye.  
  
"I do recall you saying something to the extent of me being an eyedrop, and that I was... incapable of doing certain tasks." Sauron's smirk widened, "Care to take back the statement or shall I show you the folly of your rash tongue?"  
  
"You mean you can blink now?" Mel's expression was that of total innocence.  
  
"Not the task I was thinking of my lady." Sauron purred.  
  
Tara wrinkled her brow in confusion, trying to remember the conversation they were referring to. Suddenly her face turned bright red. "Hey! Stop it both of you!"  
  
"She's right." Nate rolled his eyes "Mel, stop hitting on the evil guy - whatever happened to evolutionary ancestors being too old?"  
  
"I'll put in an amendment for the extremely hot." Mel was still staring at Sauron.  
  
"That's it!" Nate was getting annoyed. "Mel, you stay on that side of the room; Sauron, you stay on that side! Gandalf, help me out here."  
  
"Come Mel." Gandalf firmly led a pouting Mel to one corner before turning to face an equally pouting Sauron. "For shame! Have you no honor? Seducing a child!"  
  
"Hey! I heard that!" Mel objected "And I'm not a child dammit!"  
  
"Be silent Mel." Said Gandalf absently, still giving Sauron a reproving glare.  
  
Sauron shrugged off Gandalf's scolding with indifference. "I'm evil - sue me. Besides, I have been an eyeball for millennia. When I first inspired Tolkien to write the books, I expected a few fan clubs, but instead everyone liked you people. So I try again with the 'movies' and same thing happens. The least that Jackson fellow could have done was to find a good-looking actor to portray me, but instead I get shown as an eye!"  
  
"Well, you were an eye." Tara pointed out.  
  
"Oh well," Sauron laughed "I suppose it is better than what you fellows got - some of those stories were downright frightening."  
  
Everyone winced, remembering the nastier stories. Nate cleared his throat. "Yes well, could you send us back now? We do need to pack, and our tickets are nonrefundable if we miss the flight."  
  
"Actually, I was thinking of staying for a while." said Mel. "I mean, how often does a person get to be in an alternate universe?"  
  
Sauron smiled, "I would enjoy giving you a thorough tour of the land."  
  
"_No_!" Chorused Nate, Tara, and the fellowship. Mel was bad enough on her own, no telling what trouble she could start, running around with a newly empowered Sauron.  
  
"But I wanted a Morgul Blade!" complained Mel.  
  
"Well, you shan't have one." Gandalf said calmly.  
  
"Alright, alright! Party poopers." Mel paused for a moment, thinking. "Hey Sauron, that ring lets you transport yourself to our world as well right?"  
  
Sauron nodded.  
  
"Well, we're going to be in Cancun for the next couple weeks, if you don't have anything planned..." Mel trailed off suggestively.  
  
"I must admit I have been told of this 'tequila' by other Authors," Sauron said reflectively.  
  
"Oh my gosh, I totally forgot!" Tara slapped her forehead. "I need to pick up that stack of 'True Love Waits' booklets!"  
  
Mel and Nate groaned. Frodo smiled at Mel, "I told you."  
  
Tara frowned, "Told her what?"  
  
"Oh, um, we'd better get going." Mel hastily grabbed Tara's hand.  
  
Nate nodded, "Wouldn't want to miss those pamphlets." He turned to the fellowship. "Well, goodbye guys, I'd say something along the lines of 'see you later', but I don't think any of us really want that, so... I'll settle for wishing you good luck."  
  
The fellowship nodded, Sauron frowned in concentration and the three teens faded from view. As Mel drifted off, she could just hear Sauron saying, "You do realize this ring is misspelled."

"And then what happened, Uncle Pippin?" Goldilocks asked.  
  
Pippin smiled at the child on his knee before tousling her hair. "Well, then we all went home - thankfully only a few people could remember the 'Authors' at all, so things went back to normal."  
  
"You mean, almost normal, Pip." Merry laughed, "I have a strong suspicion that those bottles of that strange drink that is so popular in Gondor now are coming from Mordor."  
  
"Well, if they are, it's a small price for peace." Sam smiled fondly at his daughter, then chuckled. "Why, back then, things were so topsy-turvy that I wasn't even surprised to see Tom Bombadil in a..."  
  
"Tom Bombadil!" The three elder hobbits exclaimed together.  
  
"We forgot all about him!" Sam was aghast.  
  
"He must still be with Sauron." Merry looked at his friends in astonishment, "I can't believe we didn't think of this before!"  
  
"You're right Merry." Pippin stood up quickly, dumping a startled Goldilocks on to the ground. "We must set off at once!"  
  
All three raised their fists in the air and shouted in unison. "To Goldberry's!"  
  
Rosie put a hand on Sam's shoulder, "You weren't thinking of visiting that woman all alone in the woods were you?"  
  
"Of course not!" Merry grinned wickedly "He just wanted to wish us luck." He then pulled Sam into a great bear hug, and whispered in his ear "What a shame you're married; by now she'll have been without male company for quite some time - what a sad shame!"  
  
Saying this, he and Pippin sped off to their houses to pack. They had a long journey ahead of them, and not a moment to lose.  
THE END  
  
(and about friggin' time)  
Yippee! It's done! My first Fanfic! dances around in a happy little circle Done, done, done! Now I shall celebrate in the traditional, time- honored way of all authors: PARTY! Get smashed and dance in a way very suggestive of copulation! Viva la depravity and iniquity! Woohoo!


End file.
